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Hahahahahahahaha

I was looking through some old postings…remember 2 years ago when I got C-diff from all the antibiotics? Taken from August 2006…

This Blog is mine and I am writing from the dark side. I don’t give a shit if the sun is shining and the birds are singing. I’m near death and I am starting to get mad at stupid shit-holes for brains doctors thinking they know what’s best. I am so fucking sick of being sick I could spit fire and the next person who smiles and says to me you will get better, just give it one more day. Oh yea come here let me spit in your mouth and we will share these magical germs of mine. And when you’re burning up with a 104 fever, but yet you can’t stop the unshakable shakes of the freezing cold, and you have someone sticking you for the third time because your veins are blowing out from the fever and the illness that rages inside of you and yet you crawl out of bed to barely make it to the bathroom just to have this venomous green burning bile flying out your ass then we will talk birds and sunshine.

I read this today and it made me laugh…Shit my life is fucking hysterical, hahahaha

Infection

Infection, My Third
Current mood: pissed off
Category: Life

I’m sick and vomiting. I’m going back to the doctors again. I don’t know if I am sick and vomiting because I’m sick and tired of going to the doctors or because I have a third infection in my surgery wound.

It’s all because of my diabetes which is out of control. It’s been running in the three hundreds. No I am not eating sugar. I think it’s the surgeries and stress.

Bruce says it’s because I won’t sit still long enough for it to heal. Do you know how sick I am of sitting still waiting to heal?

So I’m off to the doctors this morning and they will start yet another round of antibotics which tears the crap out of me.

No, I’m not in a good mood. Fuck it all.

My apologies now to everyone. JackieSue I love you and I am really sorry, especially to you. You and everyone really don’t deserve my pissy mood or to read about it but this blog is my venting space, the good, the bad and the ugly.

Candy

This is Candy and Brian. I love them! They are the best people ever! She has on a red wig, Brian wanted a change and got her the red wig.

The hospital had a benefit dinner and dance for Candy tonight.

I went with Mr. Bruce and I brought my camera. I was going to take all kinds of pictures and then post them but after 3 or 4 pictures my batteries went dead. Fuck.
It was the funnest I had in a while. The DJ was an RN from the ED. His name is Jim and he is the greatest person. He played some awesome music. I did get a picture of him. :) This is Jim talking to Candy, that is Brian her husband, Bruce’s little brother. Brian has been on the fire department since he was 16 years old. His fire department helped with the dinner and dance. They raised $1,200.00 plus paid 4 months rent for them. It made Brian cry in a good way.


This is my grand-daughter Taryn who danced up a storm and made her grandma laugh. She is just like Bruce in her actions….


This is Candy and one of the med secretaries. One of the guys at work donated all of the flowers and we got to take home the center pieces on the tables. They were so pretty.

Then my stupid batteries died. And the night was just getting started. After a few drinks people started to dance and really let go. I was pissed because my camera pooped out. But my mother-in-law had her camera and she took some pictures so I will post more as the come out. My mother-in-law was very sweet to me, extra nice. I guess since I haven’t talked to her since her remark she had time to think about it and decided to be nice.

It was a good night. Now if I could only get some sleep. Love you guys…XOXOXOXOXOXOXOOOXOXOOXO)XOXOOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOOXOXO

I went to the doctors yesterday. She was running behind so my wait in the waiting room was about an hour. Last Saturday when I got the mail I had three get well cards from friends from work who became my friends out side of work. As I opened them one by one I started to cry. In one of them they had put a pink bracelet with the word SURVIVOR. Their kindness and concern touched me deeply. The ones who didn’t send cards called me and wished me the best, some even came to the hospital to see me. Toni thanks for putting lip balm on my lips when I couldn’t move my arms at all and coming to my house and washing my hair. I love you. A friend in need is a friend indeed.


I even got a very cute post card from a very wonderful person this week! Thank you!

As I am waiting a young girl comes in and sits down next to me. She reminds me of my daughter Ricki. She has on the same bandanna that Ricki wore when she was bald and she had it tied the same way with the tip tucked in the back…white and black bandanna. She says so your a SURVIVOR. She saw my bracelet. I said no I’m not. You have to be cancer free for 5 years before you can be a SURVIVOR. She laughed. I asked her how old she was. She replied 25. She is done with Chemo and is now going to have both her breast removed and re-construction at the same time. I told her I just went through that and showed her my new boobs.

She laughed again and said very nice. I told her DR. Melissa is the best! She asked me about the pain, did it hurt much? I said the emotional pain is worse then the physical pain, for me anyway. They called her name and her and her mom walked away.

Brief encounters can touch your heart deeply.

I’m taking pain pills because the pain at the surgery sight under my arms is still very painful and I have things to do that require me using my arms.



I didn’t sleep well last night because I have to sleep flat on my back, on my sides is just to painful. Why am I writing this? Because I smile a lot and I laugh a lot and I have an exterior way of acting because if I act it I will be it, happy. I am
really trying to make the best of my life and to be happy but sometimes it just gets really hard to smile and laugh. I go back to the DR.’s September 18, 2008. I have to have another MRI in November, November is when I was diagnosed, to see that the cancer hasn’t metastasized anywhere else. You see I never have to have another mammogram and that’s good but once a year I have to have an MRI to check and see if cancer has come back anywhere in my chest area, neck and head area. Usually if breast cancer metastasized it comes back in the brain, so if you see me doing something strange like wearing underwear on my head to work just take me aside and say Houston we have a problem… And I will deal with it the best way I can with a smile.

I finished my first oil painting today. I’m calling it Amy’s Darkness

I am also working on a quilt for my new grand- daughter . I haven’t sewed in ages and I am enjoying this. My son bummed me out with a phone call telling me that his kid didn’t matter to me. It hurt me. You see before I got cancer I told him I would come out and help but then my life was turned upside down and now he and his wife are mad at me for not coming out. He is a spoiled brat and I am hoping he will get over it when he gets the quilt.

So Yeah

So yeah I deleted the other post because I couldn’t stand the one photo. Sorry. I have been fighting off an infection on my right side surgery scar. I’ve been taking antibiotics for a week and I haven’t noticed any change. I go the Dr’s on Thursday. We, me and the Dr. don’t want the implant to get infected because that would be a mess she said and I agreed.

In the meantime Bruce brought home these little dots that stick from work. He was practicing where he wants my nipples to go. I swear to God when he stuck them on and took this photo I was laughing so hard I hurt. Men, you can’t live with them and you can’t shoot them, hehehehe


I think they should be up higher…stayed tuned for more of Bruce’s nipple madness…

Surgery

Surgery
Current mood: melancholy
Category: Life

So yeah it’s 2:57 am and I’m up thinking about my surgery today. I hate being put under, I always have a hard time waking up. They will keep me overnight because of this.

I will be at Bay State, Chestnut building. Someone once asked me why I didn’t go to JMH. The answer is because my co-workers don’t need to see my fat ass in a johnny.

That leads me to thoughts of Candy. She would love that segue… Candy my dear sister-in-law. She is so brave and courageous. She asked me to take care of Brian. She asked me twice…I told her I would. That we all would. She became a DNR on Sunday.

I was having second thoughts about this surgery. Candy wanted this surgery but her body never got well enough for her to have it. So I figure if I am healthy enough to do it she would want me to do it. We only talked about it once.

Last time I visited her I told her I was getting my new boobs today and she laughed. Pick out some good ones she told me. I told her Bruce picked them out…round and up high, I told her I would need a face lift to go with them and she laughed again.

I would encourage you…all of you that know her to go visit her now while she is alert and still pretty much with it. Go, drop by and just say hi…I hung some young photo’s of her & Brian up, that I found in a family photo album. She told me if she could get out of her bed she would kill me. God I love her and well it’s just to sad to talk about.

So off I go to the shower and get ready for my surgery.

I love all of you and we need to have a JMH walk for the cure. Here we are me & Candy, two women that you know with breast cancer, the odds are 1 in 3 women you know will get breast cancer. The odds just increased. Self exam very important. Every time you shower lift those arms and feel yourself up. After your shower look in the mirror while you feel yourself up. Awareness of your body. That’s how I discovered my lump under my left arm two years ago.

My mother-in-law made a sobering statement to me while she was visiting Candy she said “In a year from now this could be you.” I think about that and I just want to slap the shit out of her for saying it. People should really think before they speak. If you see my mother-in-law around the hospital slap her for me will ya? Just kidding. I love her and to love her is to accept her big mouth and all.

C U later

XOXOXOXOX

me

For those of my friends at blogger, I cut and pasted this from myspace were I have co-workers who are my friends. I’m sorry I just didn’t have the energy for two post. :)

Update

Candy was put as DNR yesterday. Her fight is almost over. She lost her battle.

My surgery is Wed. I feel guilty. I was explaining this to Bruce last night. I feel guilty because I am cancer free. I should be so happy. What’s the difference, me her, what is the difference?

I feel guilty that I’m OK and she is not.

Freedom and I have been together 10 years this summer. She came in as
a baby in 1998 with two broken wings. Her left wing doesn’t open all
the way even after surgery, it was broken in 4 places. She’s my baby.

–Jeff


When Freedom came in she could not stand. Both wings were broken, her left wing in 4 places. She was emaciated and covered in lice. We made the decision to give her a chance at life, so I took her to the vet’s office.

From then on, I was always around her. We had her in a huge dog carrier with the top off, and it was loaded up with shredded newspaper for her to lay in. I used to sit and talk to her, urging her to live, to fight; and she would lay there looking at me with those big brown eyes.

We also had to tube feed her for weeks.This went on for 4-6 weeks, and by then she still couldn’t stand. It got to the point where the decision was made to euthanize her if she couldn’t stand in a week.

You know you don’t want to cross that line between torture and rehab, and it looked like death was winning. She was going to be put down that Friday, and I was supposed to come in on that Thursday afternoon. I didn’t want to go to the center that Thursday, because I couldn’t bear the thought of her being euthanized; but I went anyway, and when I walked in everyone was grinning from ear to ear. I went immediately back to her cage; and there she was, standing on her own, a big beautiful eagle. She was ready to live. I was just about in tears by then. That was a very good day.

We knew she could never fly, so the director asked me to glove train her. I got her used to the glove, and then to jesses, and we started doing education programs for schools in western Washington. We wound up in the newspapers, radio (believe it or not) and some TV. Miracle Pets even did a show about us.

In the spring of 2000, I was diagnosed with non-hodgkins lymphoma. I had stage 3, which is not good (one major organ plus everywhere), so I wound up doing 8 months of chemo. Lost the hair – the whole bit. I missed a lot of work. When I felt good enough, I would go to Sarvey and take Freedom out for walks. Freedom would also come to me in my dreams and help me fight the cancer. This happened time and time again.

Fast forward to November 2000, the day after Thanksgiving, I went in for my last checkup. I was told that if the cancer was not all gone after 8 rounds of chemo, then my last option was a stem cell transplant. Anyway, they did the tests; and I had to come back Monday for the results. I went in Monday, and I was told that all the cancer was gone. Yahoo!

So the first thing I did was get up to Sarvey and take the big girl out for a walk. It was misty and cold. I went to her flight and jessed her up, and we went out front to the top of the hill. I hadn’t said a word to Freedom, but somehow she knew. She looked at me and wrapped both her wings around me to where I could feel them pressing in on my back (I was engulfed in eagle wings), and she touched my nose with her beak and stared into my eyes, and we just stood there like that for I don’t know how long. That was a magic moment. We have been soul mates ever since she came in. This is a very special bird.

On a side note: I have had people who were sick come up to us when we are out, and Freedom has some kind of hold on them. I once had a guy who was terminal come up to us and I let him hold her. His knees just about buckled and he swore he could feel her power coarse through his body. I have so many stories like that.

I never forget the honor I have of being so close to such a magnificent spirit as Freedom’s.

Hope you enjoy this.


–Jeff


nobody but you

nobody can save you but
yourself.
you will be put again and again
into nearly impossible
situations.
they will attempt again and again
through subterfuge, guise and
force
to make you submit, quit and /or die quietly
inside.

nobody can save you but
yourself
and it will be easy enough to fail
so very easily
but don’t, don’t, don’t.
just watch them.
listen to them.
do you want to be like that?
a faceless, mindless, heartless
being?
do you want to experience
death before death?

nobody can save you but
yourself
and you’re worth saving.
it’s a war not easily won
but if anything is worth winning then
this is it.

think about it.
think about saving your self.
your spiritual self.
your gut self.
your singing magical self and
your beautiful self.
save it.
don’t join the dead-in-spirit.

maintain your self
with humor and grace
and finally
if necessary
wager your self as you struggle,
damn the odds, damn
the price.

only you can save your
self.

do it! do it!

then you’ll know exactly what
I am talking about.

~~Charles Bukowski~~

Charles is my favorite author. I have almost everyone of his books. His poetry and short stories touch me deeply. He was a chronic alcoholic. He lived in the mean streets. He has helped me with my life and my job. I just wanted to do a post on him. I lift my glass of wine and I toast to the greatest writer that ever lived.

Birthday: August 16, 1920

Birthplace: Andernach, Germany

Real Name: Henry Charles Bukowski

Parents: Henry Charles and Katharina [Fett] Bukowski

Description of Father: “[A] cruel shiny bastard with bad
breath . . .”

Education: Attended Los Angeles City College, 1939-41

Work History: Manual worker in a dog biscuit factory,
slaughterhouse, potato chip warehouse and various
other dead-end jobs; Postal Carrier; Postal Clerk; Drunk

Medical History: Suffered from Acne Vulgaris,
Hemorrhoids, Acute Alcoholism

Literary Influences: Conrad Aiken, Louis Ferdinand Celine
(Journey to the End of the Night), Catullus, Fyodor
Dostoevsky (Notes from the Underground), John Fante,
Knut Hamsun (Hunger), Ernest Hemingway (early writings),
Robinson Jeffers (long poems), James Thurber

Nonliterary Influence: Red Strange (aka Kid Red),
a mentally ill tramp and derelict friend of Bukowski who
wandered the highways and byways of America.
Bukowski often plied Red with beer and encouraged
him to relate his wildest stories, many of which ended
up in Bukowski’s own poems and short stories.

Interests: Horse playing, classical music, fat whores

Alter Ego: Henry “Hank” Chinaski

Drug of Choice: Alcohol

Long-time Publisher: Black Sparrow Press (defunct)

On Solitude: “I was a man who thrived on solitude;
without it I was like another man without food or water.
Each day without solitude weakened me. I took no pride
in my solitude; but I was dependent on it.
The darkness of the room was like sunlight to me.”
[Factotum, 1975]

On Work: “It was true that I didn’t have much ambition,
but there ought to be a place for people without ambition,
I mean a better place than the one usually reserved.
How in the hell could a man enjoy being awakened at
6:30 a.m. by an alarm clock, leap out of bed, dress,
force-feed, shit, piss, brush teeth and hair,
and fight traffic to get to a place where essentially
you made lots of money for somebody else and
were asked to be grateful for the opportunity to do so?”
[Factotum, 1975]

On Skid Row: “Those guys down there [in skid row] had
no problems with women, income tax, landlords,
burial expenses, dentists, time payments, car repairs,
or with climbing into a voting booth and pulling the
curtain closed.” [Factotum, 1975]

On Rejection Slips: “And rejections are no hazard; they
are better than gold. Just think what type of miserable
cancer you would be today if all your works had been
accepted.”
[Letter to Jory Sherman, April 1, 1960, included in
Screams from the Balcony, 1993]

First Published Short Story: “Aftermath of a Lengthy
Rejection Slip,” March-April issue of Story magazine, 1944

On Short Stories: “I do not believe in writing a short story
unless it crawls out of the walls. I watch the walls daily but
very little happens.” [Letter to Ann Bauman, May 21, 1962,
in Screams from the Balcony, 1993]

On Hemingway: “Hem had style and genius that went
with it, for a little while, then he tottered, rotted,
but was man enough, finally, and had style enough,
finally.” [Letter to Neeli Cherry, 1962, in Screams
from the Balcony
, 1993]

On The Beat Generation: “Now, the original Beats, as
much as they were knocked, had the Idea. But they were
flanked and overwhelmed by fakes, guys with nicely
clipped beards,lonely-hearts looking for free ass,
limelighters, rhyming poets, homosexuals, bums,
sightseers – the same thing that killed the Village.
Art can’t operate in Crowds. Art does not belong
at parties, nor does it belong at Inauguration Speeches.”
[Letter to Jon Webb, 1962, in Screams from the Balcony,
1993]

First Book of Poetry: Flower, Fist and Bestial Wail, 1960
(shortly after the publication of this chapbook, Bukowski
attempted suicide by gassing himself in his room, but
quickly changed his mind . . .)

Major Works:

Post Office (1971)
Erections, Ejaculations and General Tales of
Ordinary Madness (1972)
Burning in Water, Drowning in Flame (1974)
Factotum (1975)
Love is a Dog from Hell (1977)
Women (1978)
Dangling in the Tournefortia (1981)
Ham on Rye (1982)
War All the Time (1984)
Hollywood (1989)

On Drinking: “Frankly, I was horrified by life, at what
a man had to do simply in order to eat, sleep, and keep
himself clothed. So I stayed in bed and drank.
When you drank the world was still out there,
but for the moment it didn’t have you by the throat.”
[Factotum, 1975]

On Personal Hygiene: “Nothing is worse than to finish
a good shit, then reach over and find the toilet paper
container empty. Even the most horrible human being
on earth deserves to wipe his ass.” [Factotum, 1975]

Films Based on Work:

Tales of Ordinary Madness (1983 – Italian) – Director:
Marco Ferreri. Starring: Ben Gazzara, Ornella Muti,
Susan Tyrell, Tanya Lopert, Roy Brocksmith.
Gazzara is severely miscast in this debacle based
loosely on “The Most Beautiful Woman in Town.”
Barfly (1987) – Director: Barbet Schroeder. Starring:
Mickey Rourke, Faye Dunaway, Alice Krige, Jack
“Eraserhead” Nance, J.C. Quinn,
Frank Stallone. Bukowski wrote the screenplay for
this cult classic based on his early experiences in skid
row. He even appears in a cameo as one of the barflies.
Love is a Dog from Hell (1987 – Belgium) – Director:
Dominique Deruddere. Starring: Geert Hunaerts,
Josse De Pauw. Adapted
from Bukowski short stories, mainly “The Copulating
Mermaidof Venice, California.” Bukowski considered
it the most faithful adaptation of his work.
Walls in the City (1995) – Director: Jim Sikora.
Starring: David Yow, Michael James, Tony Fitzpatrick,
Paula Killen, Bill Cusack.
Three short films based on Bukowski short stories
about assorted barflies.

On Movies: “Want me to name [my favorite films]?
‘One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest,’
‘Elephant Man,’ ‘Eraserhead,’
Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?‘ – that’s a classic.
[Akira] Kurosawa and those great battle scenes.
And all those great samurai films where guys
are chopping heads off.” (Film Comment interview, 1987)

On Barfly: “Mickey Rourke is a real human guy,
on and off the set.
And in ‘Barfly’ he really came through with the acting.
I felt his enjoyment and inventiveness.
Faye Dunaway just can’t match his talent or
his humanness but she filled her role.”
[Film Threat interview, 1987]

On Television: “We got cable TV here, and the
first thing we switched on happened to be
‘Eraserhead.’ I said, ‘Oh,
this cable TV has opened up a whole new world. We’re
gonna be sitting in front of this thing for centuries.
What next?’ So starting with Eraserhead we sit here,
click, click, click – nothing.”
(Film Comment interview, 1987)

On Politics: “I used to lean slightly toward the liberal left
but the crew that’s involved, in spite of the ideas, are
a thin & grafted-like type of human, blank-eyed
and throwing wordslike vomit.” [Letter to Tom McNamara,
July 14, 1965,
in Screams from the Balcony, 1993]

On Luck: “I’m one of those who doesn’t think there
is much difference/between an atomic scientist and
a man who cleans the crappers/except for the luck
of the draw – /parents with enough money to point
you toward a more/generous death./of course,
some come through brilliantly, but/there are thousands,
millions of others, bottled up, kept/from even the
most minute chance to realize their potential.”
["Horsemeat" in War All the Time, 1984]

On Death: “I want to die with my head down on
this/machine/3 lines from the bottom of the/
page/burnt-out cigarette in my/fingers, radio
still/playing/I just want to write/
just well enough to/end like/that.”
["suggestion for an arrangement" in
War All the Time, 1984]

Cause of Death: Leukemia

Date of Death: March 9, 1994

Final Resting Place: Green Hills Memorial Park,
Palos Verdes, California

Epitaph: “Don’t Try”

Between Loss And Reality

There is a space between loss and reality,
days with empty pages; reminding
you of the inexplicable way you
harmonized in reality and dreams
with the one who left.

Outside my window children playing.
Looking out I am surprised
that life goes on, even now in this
blank space between loss and reality.

How powerful your voice is now
that I can no longer hear it.
Remembering your laughter,
your kidding; your reasoning.
Listening now to your deafening silence,
leaves me feeling insignificant
in your eyes; otherwise how could you
have left me here had you loved me?

This cruel stubbornness like salt
between us, keeping us separate
and miserable; neither one wanting
to appear needy or weak; so we go
on alone and hurting.

Not that there haven’t been times before
seconds, minutes; hours when we were
not speaking; but we always found our way
back to each other; always. Now there is
just this blank space between loss and reality.

July 17, 1999

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Weaving

I dance in the thunderstorm of life’s turbulence,
Fueling the thirst of deserts loneliness,
Loneliness made tangible by your silence.

The fog moves silently through the valleys of thought,
Blocking my rational viewpoint.
The mist of sadness reflection unmistakable.

I go on weaving the rhythms of my breath
With each beat of my heart
Weaving, weaving, breathing, still alive.

June 24,1999

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Unconditional written March 2001

My heart and soul,
I want you with my heart and soul.


I see the pain that is yours,
I want to cover you with a blanket of love
and take your hurt away.

I want to hold your face in my hands
and look into your eyes,
telling you everything will be all right.

I want to be your safe haven,
a place you can come
and be loved just for yourself.

Love is unconditional,
I would ask nothing of you.


Your sorrow’s have touched me deeply.
I wrap myself up in them feeling you,
I feel your truth, honesty and integrity,
It is a code which I live by.

Our paths crossed because we mirrored
each other in thoughts and emotions.

You can be with me
and we can just be us,
no shame, no blame, we can just be,
two souls who need
the warmth of each other’s love.

No expectations, no demands;
Unconditional love for you and I.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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