Anger

There was some strange energy in the air yesterday.

There are 5 stages of grief that you go through and
yesterday was anger for me. I was so angry I could
have spit fire. I was angry at Bruce my husband for
callousing saying to me "lighten up"

Instead I wrote all day. I told the story of why I was so
angry.  My English and grammar suck. I am great at run
on sentences but I wrote anyway. Thank Creator
for spell check.

By strange energy I mean my kids never call me.
Last night my son calls just to talk. I hang up from
him and my daughter calls me and she talks to me for
over an hour. We had a good talk and we cried a little.
Then my phone rings again and it's my niece who I am
very close to telling me her step mom had died that
morning of a heart attack.

Then last night I had this poignant dream. I dreamed
I was drawing this little girl in pencil. I was at the back
of her head drawing the hairs on her pig tails
and the drawing became 3 D and I was turning
her head to draw her face the face was me as a
little girl. I had been crying and there were boogers
in my nose and I felt so sorry for the little girl me
and then she turned into my daughter, the
one that died. I woke up after that.  I have
always been a vivid dreamer. Day dreams and night dreams.
This dream was very sad to me.

My body, I am so fucking angry at my body. What I lost.
I'm angry at Bruce. I'm worried at what this will do to
my girls. what message am I sending them?
Is this their future, is this what I hand down to them...
cancer?

What a great gift to pass on. I feel guilt for
this and so much anger right now.

I'm sick of getting up in the morning feeling like crap.
My under arms are raw
and red like my anger. It hurts to move to use my arms.
I just want all of this to go away. I want to sleep
peacefully through the night,
without pain every time I move.

I want my life back.